Monday, December 10, 2018

OOTD: Salty No More

I used to not want to take full accountability for my actions. I would often say it’s because of past experiences, it’s because someone hurt me so bad, or something made me not want to trust again. While it is true that those things have some sort of a contribution, it is still the present me who should be accountable for every decision and action I make and would be making.

It was hard to remember and deal with the past. Whenever I would look back at all the decisions I want to regret, I would be reminded of how at some point in my life, that’s what I exactly wanted. And I couldn’t stay angry at that. It may have brought me temporal happiness and a longer pain to process, but it sure did teach me a lesson and made me stronger. But it isn’t as easy as it sounds. It’s easy to say, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” but looking at things that way isn’t easy at all. Trying to stay positive after going through so much pain isn’t what you would initially want to feel. You would want to be angry, look for something or someone to blame, mess people up, and eventually end up hurting yourself even more.

A few weeks ago, I saw Waitress the Musical on-stage and just as I suspected, I cried a bucket of tears when Jenna (played by Joanna Ampil) sang She Used to Be Mine. That’s actually one of my personal favorite songs, not just from the musical, but like in general (my playlist is mostly showtunes so meh).

She’s imperfect, but she tries. She is good, but she lies. She is hard on herself. She is broken and won’t ask for help. She is messy, but she’s kind. She is lonely most of the time…

TOP: Cotton On | Skirt: H&M | Shoes: Skechers
I keep relating to the song. And even just by singing it on my own, I would tear up and feel things. The things that I’ve gone through in the past did make me stronger, but it doesn’t mean that I’m already perfectly fine. There would still be times when I’d remember them and cry because I’ve lost things and opportunities along the way. And even though my life right now is pretty good as it is and I’m still continuously growing, I feel like it could have been better if it weren’t for some of the decisions I made in the past.

But then again, who can bring back the past? The only thing I can do now is try to make the most out of the present and become a better version of myself everyday. There’s no use getting angry over the past, over the people who have hurt me, and over the decisions that made me give up a lot of things. It’s time I stop being angry and channel all that energy into improving myself and living life to the fullest. It may sound cheesy and cliché, but not everyone can do it. A lot are still (and sometimes I still am) held back by their past.

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