OOTD: Going Back Isn't Always Bad

As much as I would hate to admit it, insecurity never left my system.

There would be times when I’d yearn for validation because I am still often haunted by the seemingly perfect faces and bodies I see on my social media feed. And I know that I always preach about confidence, but the truth is, sometimes I get so drowned with all these images of how I should be that I would look at myself and feel disgusted no matter how far I’ve gone in my fitness journey.

“But you always post about how proud you are with your progress!”

It may not be everyone’s cup of tea, and some people may get annoyed by my constant progress posts, but it’s my way of telling myself that, “you’ve gone far, you’ve done good, this is for your health, for your life, for you and only you.” Because sometimes, often times, I forget.

I miss the old me. My highschool me. I was so cool, into video games, rock music, and I never cared about what other people would say about how I look because I know that I am beautiful in my own way and, hey, I would like to believe I’m smart. But there was one instance that kind of changed how I perceived things and that was when someone online told me that I should never post a photo of myself because I looked like Mark Henry’s twin sister.

And then came blogging and I started regaining my confidence back, but then you get comments telling you of how ugly, fat, and disgusting you look. You try to brush them off and people see that you really did, but what they do not know is how it all accumulates inside, eats you slowly, and eventually kills you and your confidence.

For quite some time, I have been sporting fake confidence.

I hid behind my obesity and tell people I’m okay with it. I went on a weight-loss journey in 2012, masquerading it as “for health purposes” when it was just because I felt so ugly and disgusting. And again, even when I started my recent health and fitness journey, I had an eating disorder and did it wrong. I learned eventually and started taking the right path. The better path. But it isn’t easy.

Shirt: Forever 21 | Shorts: Forever 21 | Shoes: Reebok

I would still feel frustrated at times at how slow my progress is, I would still feel insecurity creeping in my system, and no matter how much people tell me that I already lost a significant amount of weight, I seem to be seeing things differently. I guess it matters and it helps that I have a support system (family, friends, CrossFit fam) that assures me I’m doing the right thing. And that the goal shouldn’t be what’s physical and more of what’s inside. My PR (Personal Record) on lifting weights is proof of how stronger I’ve gotten and my blood chem is proof that I’m way healthier now.

I am trying to go back to the old me. The old confident me who knows that she’s beautiful no matter what; that brains, health, and strength outweighs what only the eyes can see; and that I should always be proud of who I am, what I’ve gone through, and the progress I’ve made, because I worked hard for every single bit of them.